“Our patent-pending Biden Gaffe Cushions® help soften the blow to our staff’s heads as they smash repeatedly against hard surfaces whenever Joe opens his mouth,” said a campaign representative. “We are also trialing cushions for their palms. We hope to sell both of these lifesaving products on our website very soon, so that disappointed Democrats everywhere can enjoy them!” … [Read more...] about Biden Campaign Office Installs Cushions On All Desks To Protect Staffer Foreheads
the Boston accent
Eliot From Jordan’s Furniture Commercials Loses All Strength After Cutting Ponytail
Until recently, Eliot Tatelman--the face of iconic New England chain Jordan's Furniture--was known amongst friends to be somewhat of a Samson type. “I once saw him lift an entire Beautyrest Mattress clear over his head and spin it on one finger,” tweeted a former employee of Tatelman just last week. It all went wrong when Eliot attempted to give himself a quarantine … [Read more...] about Eliot From Jordan’s Furniture Commercials Loses All Strength After Cutting Ponytail
Joe Kennedy Reveals New Campaign Strategy: Say “Kennedy” As Often As Possible
During last week's debate with incumbent Ed Markey, Joe Kennedy III leaned into his newest and, frankly, best campaign strategy: repeating his prestigious name as many times as humanly possible. The Senate-hopeful, who is the grandson of Robert F. Kennedy, reminded the audience of that fact at least two dozen times. Each mention of RFK generated eardrum-shattering amounts of … [Read more...] about Joe Kennedy Reveals New Campaign Strategy: Say “Kennedy” As Often As Possible
BREAKING: Bentley University Still Exists
In news that no one saw coming, Bentley University announced on Thursday that it somehow still exists. “We’re just as surprised as everyone else,” said Bentley’s dean of students, who admits she fully expected the school to go under by now. “I’ve been applying to jobs since March, just in case.” A Bentley university student told us he didn’t realize the school was … [Read more...] about BREAKING: Bentley University Still Exists