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Honoring A Legend: Eliot Tatelman’s Ponytail To Hang In Rafters Of Jordan’s Furniture Following Retirement
In a well attended ceremony on Friday, Eliot Tatelman cut off his signature white and gray ponytail as staff dumped a cooler of gatorade onto him. Thousands of onlookers cheered between bites of blueberry muffins as the ponytail was slowly lifted into the rafters at the flagship Jordan’s Furniture…
Red Sox Reveal Rafael Devers Has Been Using New Donut Shaped Bat
BOSTON — Red Sox research and development staff recently explained how the team’s cutting-edge bat technology has helped star designated hitter Rafael Devers achieve his historic 0-19 start to the season. “We were analyzing video from previous seasons, and a pattern became apparent,” said Connor McCann, the team’s principal…
Continue Reading Red Sox Reveal Rafael Devers Has Been Using New Donut Shaped Bat
American Government Defends Constitution By Abducting Individuals Exercising First Amendment
Somerville, Mass. — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has bravely declared that anyone caught exercising their constitutional rights is now an enemy of the United States. On Tuesday, March 26th, Rumeysa Ozturk, a Turkish doctoral student at Tufts University, was abducted by plainclothes U.S. Department of Homeland Security…