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Bernie Sanders Entirely Unaware Of Meme Status Because His Jitterbug Flip Phone Has No Internet In Vermont
When his grandson tried calling to explain the meme over the phone, Sanders accidentally hung up repeatedly because his now-iconic mittens pressed like every button.
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Mark Wahlberg Begs To Get Medal Of Freedom In Belichick’s Place
“Look I’m not saying that it should have been me,” said Wahlberg, appearing angry as if he had been personally insulted. “I’m just saying that, if it were me, I would have been brave enough to step forward and take that commendation from the President.”
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Man Who Hasn’t Washed Mask Since August Confused Where This Rash Came From
BOSTON, MA—After five consecutive months of not washing the one cloth face mask he owns, local man Dalton Fisher told reporters Thursday he has absolutely no idea why his chin, cheeks, and mouth are now covered in a constellation of grotesque pustules.
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Capitol Police Invest Billions In Anti-Door-Opening Technology
WASHINGTON D.C. — After the U.S. Capitol was overrun with rioters and terrorists seeking to overturn the certification of the 2020 election, the Capitol Police Force has announced that billions of dollars will be invested in state-of-art anti-door-opening technology.
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