WASHINGTON, D.C.—After earning his second impeachment, President Trump is now just one away from the final third punch on his Presidential Preferred Customer Card, granting him one medium-sized frozen yogurt of his choice. “Everybody said this was a deed that couldn’t be done. Too complicated. Too big. Couldn’t be done. Well, guess what? I’ve punched more holes than ANBODY … [Read more...] about Trump Just One Impeachment Away From A Free Frozen Yogurt
Mark Wahlberg Begs To Get Medal Of Freedom In Belichick’s Place
Patriots Coach Bill Belichick has denied the Medal of Freedom offered by President Trump, but, according to reports today, Mark Wahlberg has already put himself out there as a possible alternative recipient. "Look I'm not saying that it should have been me," said Wahlberg, appearing angry as if he had been personally insulted. "I'm just saying that, if it were me, I … [Read more...] about Mark Wahlberg Begs To Get Medal Of Freedom In Belichick’s Place
Man Who Hasn’t Washed Mask Since August Confused Where This Rash Came From
BOSTON, MA—After five consecutive months of not washing the one cloth face mask he owns, local man Dalton Fisher told reporters Thursday he has absolutely no idea why his chin, cheeks, and mouth are now covered in a constellation of grotesque pustules. “I’m telling you, it’s bizarre! Six months ago my skin was perfectly clear. Now it looks like a Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready … [Read more...] about Man Who Hasn’t Washed Mask Since August Confused Where This Rash Came From
‘I Got Into Dartmouth!’ Exclaims New Hampshire Man Who Just Broke Into School’s Library
This is really a dream come true. I’ve been studying years for this very moment! I can’t believe I got into Dartmouth. Their library, to be exact. My family is going to be so proud when I tell them I finally figured out how to pick that stupid side door lock of the Baker Memorial Library. My first choice! These old dry books are going to make great kindling. We’re having a … [Read more...] about ‘I Got Into Dartmouth!’ Exclaims New Hampshire Man Who Just Broke Into School’s Library
30-Year-Old Man Jogging In Marginally Cold Weather Pretty Sure He Could Hack It In SEAL Training
As Derrick Bryant, 30, went on his bi-weekly three mile jog today, the mild discomfort caused by the 34 degree weather assured him that, if he wanted, he could probably still enlist as a Navy SEAL, despite their age cutoff of 28 and far more rigorous training standard. “I'm sure it's tough, but hell, I could do it still, I bet. I'm in pretty good shape, and I mean, it's cold … [Read more...] about 30-Year-Old Man Jogging In Marginally Cold Weather Pretty Sure He Could Hack It In SEAL Training