BOSTON—Recent polling results suggest that citizens of Boston are increasingly worried about the startling lack of blah, noncommittal white men running for mayor in this year’s election. In a historic first for the city, the mayoral race includes approximately zero confused-looking middle-aged white dudes spouting nonsense and palaver. Reports suggest many voters are … [Read more...] about Bostonians Panic Over Lack Of Equivocating White Men In Mayoral Election
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Mass. Considers Changing State Name To Boston, Since Everyone Says They’re From There Anyways
STATE HOUSE, BOSTON--In an unexpected but, honestly, totally valid move, Commonwealth legislators announced on Monday they are "actively considering" changing the name of Massachusetts to Boston. "No one from outside New England can name a single place in Massachusetts besides Boston--so why don't we just lean into that?" said one lawmaker, who lives in Medford but tells all … [Read more...] about Mass. Considers Changing State Name To Boston, Since Everyone Says They’re From There Anyways
‘I Bleed Green!’ Says Celtics Fan With Pretty Serious Medical Condition
Medical experts were baffled on Wednesday after local Celtics fan Brad Barry arrived at the ER literally bleeding green. “Tonight’s the first night of the season and I’m stuck at Mass General for some nothing nosebleed, this is total BS,” said Barry, dripping viridian blood all over his Marcus Smart jersey. “These brainiac doctors think I’m sick, but I keep telling them … [Read more...] about ‘I Bleed Green!’ Says Celtics Fan With Pretty Serious Medical Condition
Denny’s Renames Grand Slam Meal In Houston Locations To Avoid Re-Traumatizing Astros Fans
After multiple complaints from distraught Astros fans, Denny’s has announced they are renaming the Grand Slam meal at all Houston locations to avoid further traumatizing baseball fans in the area. “Our restaurants are a safe space for everyone, including Astros fans watching this playoff series,” said a Denny’s spokesperson. “That’s why we are now calling the Grand Slam … [Read more...] about Denny’s Renames Grand Slam Meal In Houston Locations To Avoid Re-Traumatizing Astros Fans
Wu Train Only Viable Transit Line In City Of Boston
With the mayoral election quickly approaching and transportation remaining a hot button issue, many Boston residents have aptly noted that the Wu Train is currently the only working transit line in the city. “After reviewing Michelle Wu’s platform during my daily hour-long MBTA delays, I’ve come to realize I support her stance on just about everything,” said Dorchester … [Read more...] about Wu Train Only Viable Transit Line In City Of Boston
Boston Spends Indigenous Peoples’ Day Literally Running From History
In what may be the clearest ever example of irony, competitors in the 2021 Boston Marathon are spending Indigenous Peoples’ Day literally running away from history as fast as they can. As they paced through the ancestral land of the Massachusett, Wampanoag, Nipmuc, and other tribes, marathoners honored the day by running really, really fast, tossing water cups on the ground, … [Read more...] about Boston Spends Indigenous Peoples’ Day Literally Running From History
Facing Federal Fraud Charges, Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis Asks Court To Try Him As A Juvenile
The professional basketball world was stunned last week when federal prosecutors unveiled sweeping fraud charges in a massive case against 18 former NBA players, including 17 grownups plus former Celtic Glen “Big Baby” Davis. “These are serious adult accusations that require special considerations when someone as childish as my client is alleged to be involved,” said … [Read more...] about Facing Federal Fraud Charges, Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis Asks Court To Try Him As A Juvenile