BOSTON—Recent polling results suggest that citizens of Boston are increasingly worried about the startling lack of blah, noncommittal white men running for mayor in this year’s election. In a historic first for the city, the mayoral race includes approximately zero confused-looking middle-aged white dudes spouting nonsense and palaver. Reports suggest many voters are … [Read more...] about Bostonians Panic Over Lack Of Equivocating White Men In Mayoral Election
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Mass. Considers Changing State Name To Boston, Since Everyone Says They’re From There Anyways
STATE HOUSE, BOSTON--In an unexpected but, honestly, totally valid move, Commonwealth legislators announced on Monday they are "actively considering" changing the name of Massachusetts to Boston. "No one from outside New England can name a single place in Massachusetts besides Boston--so why don't we just lean into that?" said one lawmaker, who lives in Medford but tells all … [Read more...] about Mass. Considers Changing State Name To Boston, Since Everyone Says They’re From There Anyways
Belichick Promises To Resume Cheating In 2022 For Sake Of Patriots Fans
In an announcement sure to appease hurting Pats fans everywhere, Bill Belichick told reporters today that next season, the team will “most likely” bring back cheating to avoid another heartbreak season. “Suffering through a 47-17 loss to the Buffalo Bills can have a devastating impact on the mental and physical health of our fan base,” Belichick said. “You know me, I’m … [Read more...] about Belichick Promises To Resume Cheating In 2022 For Sake Of Patriots Fans
How To Tell It’s Winter In New England
New Englanders get to experience all four seasons, whether we like it or not. Sure, all states technically have a winter, but let’s be real: 65 degree evenings and slightly fewer alligator attacks don’t count (Cough…Florida…cough). Here are seven surefire ways you can tell a New England winter has officially arrived, without looking at the thermometer. One of the teens at … [Read more...] about How To Tell It’s Winter In New England
Mass. Residents Push State Reps To Ban Patriots Losses On Same Weekend As Snow Storm
FOXBORO, MA — Fed up residents across Massachusetts are hoping a tough weekend for both weather and the Patriots will help spark change in the Bay State. The “Snowbody Wins” bill, bill proposed Sunday night, could ban Patriots losses on the same weekend there’s a snowstorm. We spoke to William Fitzgerald of Taunton, who told our reporters he supports the bill. “I’ve … [Read more...] about Mass. Residents Push State Reps To Ban Patriots Losses On Same Weekend As Snow Storm
Interest In Attending University of Vermont Still Best Way To Find Out If Your Kid Smokes Weed
Since 1791, parents have relied on their teen’s stated interest in going to UVM for college as a proxy to tell if they smoke weed. A new study has confirmed that in 2021, an application to UVM was more predictive that your kid blows mad tree than any other factor, including them saying “I literally smoke weed all the time.” “When my little Tommy told us he heard … [Read more...] about Interest In Attending University of Vermont Still Best Way To Find Out If Your Kid Smokes Weed
Ancestry Study Reveals 91% Of Dorchester Residents Related To Wahlberg Family
On Monday, a team of scientists from MIT reported incredible findings: 9 in 10 Residents of Dorchester are genetically related to the Wahlberg family. “Deep down, I always knew I had Marky Mark blood flowin through my veins,” said Dot resident Kyle Quinnly, who added he gets mistaken for a Wahlberg at least twice a year. “Does this mean I get some of their Wahlburgers … [Read more...] about Ancestry Study Reveals 91% Of Dorchester Residents Related To Wahlberg Family