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American Government Defends Constitution By Abducting Individuals Exercising First Amendment
Somerville, Mass. — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has bravely declared that anyone caught exercising their constitutional rights is now an enemy of the United States. On Tuesday, March 26th, Rumeysa Ozturk, a Turkish doctoral student at Tufts University, was abducted by plainclothes U.S. Department of Homeland Security officers for engaging “in activities in…
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Southie Bar Lowers Stool Heights So Boston Short Kings Can Finally Rest Feet On Floor
Finally! In a win for short kings everywhere, but especially in the short king land that is greater Boston, Southie staple Capo has announced they are lowering the height of all bar stools by 8 inches so even the most petite of princes can rest their Hokas comfortably on…
Kendall Square Biotech Bro Dons Nicest Patagonia And Least Wrinked Jeans For Meeting With Investors
“You better believe there’s a bleach stained Broad Institute T-shirt under this. And you also better believe we’re clearing 8 figures for this series B,” said the biotech bro, walking down Binney Street. “What is our company working on, you ask? I actually can’t tell you that. We’re still…
Pats Fan Yearns For Day They Can Incorporate Free Dunkin’ Iced Coffee After Wins Into Financial Planning Again
Tewksbury, MA – Resident Tom Connors is hopeful the age old free-iced-coffee-after-Pats-win promo will be revived and relevant this season and he can finally pencil it back into his financial plans. “During the good years, that free iced coffee was a big part of my weekly fall budgeting,” huffed…