• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Top Stories
    • Local
    • National News
    • College
    • Sports
    • Culture
  • About
  • Contact
  • Support Us
  • New! Buy Merch
The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

New England’s Source For Wicked Serious News

Defunded Boston PD Forced To Cut Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio From Payroll

August 7, 2020 by Jack Stebbins

The Boston Police Department announced Friday that due to budget cuts, they will be forced to lay off actors Mark Wahlberg and Leonardo Dicaprio from their payroll. 

“Recent calls for police reform have put pressure on the department to make difficult funding decisions,” said Chief of Police Mike O’Connor in a press conference. “ We hate to do it, but we have to let dear Mark and Leo go.”

Wahlberg and Dicaprio have been on the BPD payroll since the 2006 release of The Departed, when they were “added as a joke I guess,” noted O’Connor. “Well, we had some extra cash laying around, so we figured we could pay them back for their selfless work glorifying our department.”

According to department records, the actors have been receiving full salaries, annual bonuses, and dental insurance for more than a decade. Wahlberg was even promoted to Captain for his work on solving the Boston Marathon bombing, as depicted in 2016’s Patriots Day. 

However,  when contacted by our reporters, neither Wahlberg nor Dicaprio were aware they were being paid. “That’s pretty cool though, I freaking love our Boston boys in blue,” added Wahlberg. 

At press time, the NYPD announced they were firing Bruce Willis, Andy Samberg, Will Ferrell,  and Tom Selleck.

Written by contributor Jack Stebbins. Check out Jack on Instagram @stebbuns and Twitter @jackstebbs

Follow us on Instagram

Share this:

  • Tweet

Related

Filed Under: Culture, National News Tagged With: boston, dicaprio, Local, police, satire, the Boston accent, wahlberg

Primary Sidebar

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

The Latest

Thousands Of RISD Students Unable To Improve Upon Big Blue Bug

May 29, 2023

Shocking: Celtics Return Home From Florida Instead Of Going There To Die Like Most New Englanders

May 24, 2023

Hingham Woman Never Thought She Had An Accent Until She Tried Speech-To-Text

May 17, 2023

Sports

Boston Marathon Viewers Make Their Annual Vow To Run It Next Year (And They Mean It This Time!)

April 19, 2023

College

Congrats On Getting Into Your Dream School In Western Mass! Here’s How Far It Is From Anything Interesting

April 3, 2023

National

US Office Of Weights And Measures Declares Rhode Island As The Official Unit For Measuring California Wildfires

May 29, 2023

Footer

About Us

The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

We publish satire (so don’t sue us) that might make you spit out your Dunkin’ and Boston cream donut all over Harvard Yard.

Want to pitch us? Send 5-10 headlines and a short bio here. New England centric pitches preferred, but open to all (funny) content!

Recent

  • US Office Of Weights And Measures Declares Rhode Island As The Official Unit For Measuring California Wildfires May 29, 2023
  • Thousands Of RISD Students Unable To Improve Upon Big Blue Bug May 29, 2023
  • Shocking: Celtics Return Home From Florida Instead Of Going There To Die Like Most New Englanders May 24, 2023
  • Hingham Woman Never Thought She Had An Accent Until She Tried Speech-To-Text May 17, 2023

Search

Follow Us!

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2023 The Boston Accent · Satire for the Massholes