The Boston Accent

Wicked Serious Satire

Jack Stebbins

Great Molasses Flood Of 1919 Finally Reaches Downtown Boston

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After an arduous 101 year journey, the carnage of the 1919 Boston Molasses Flood has traveled an entire six blocks and finally reached downtown Boston, nudging everything in its path. “This disaster has been in my family for decades. My great-grandfather was there when the tank burst,” said longtime local Dana Tyrell. “And my grandfather was there when the first molasses hit … [Read more...] about Great Molasses Flood Of 1919 Finally Reaches Downtown Boston

Mark Wahlberg Begs To Get Medal Of Freedom In Belichick’s Place

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Patriots Coach Bill Belichick has denied the Medal of Freedom offered by President Trump, but, according to reports today, Mark Wahlberg has already put himself out there as a possible alternative recipient.  "Look I'm not saying that it should have been me," said Wahlberg, appearing angry as if he had been personally insulted. "I'm just saying that, if it were me, I … [Read more...] about Mark Wahlberg Begs To Get Medal Of Freedom In Belichick’s Place

Capitol Police Invest Billions In Anti-Door-Opening Technology

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WASHINGTON D.C. — After the U.S. Capitol was overrun with rioters and terrorists seeking to overturn the certification of the 2020 election, the Capitol Police Force has announced that billions of dollars will be invested in state-of-art anti-door-opening technology. Today, the Force unveiled their new high-tech security measures for the next Republican insurrection: two … [Read more...] about Capitol Police Invest Billions In Anti-Door-Opening Technology

Georgia Engulfed In Blue Wave 5 Years Earlier Than Climate Scientists Expected

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ATLANTA – The victories of Senators-Elect Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff have submerged the state of Georgia in a blue wave years earlier than climate scientists expected. “I thought the first time I would see a blue Georgia would be from a boat,” said 27-year-old resident Erica Sawyer. “Our coastline has been eroding fast, but this flood came way ahead of schedule.” In a … [Read more...] about Georgia Engulfed In Blue Wave 5 Years Earlier Than Climate Scientists Expected