Content warning: crude language
BOSTON—In an official statement from Beacon Hill, Governor Charlie Baker announced that Massachusetts will host its first annual statewide bacchanalian sex carnival at 100% capacity on May 29.
“I am pleased to inform the citizens of Massachusetts that, after a year of hardship, sacrifice, and diligence, they can rip off their masks with each other’s teeth and just start raw-dogging it on the streets of the Commonwealth,” said the leather-clad governor. “We’ve earned this.”
The absolutely unbridled fuckfest is slated to be the biggest event of the year, with residents going at it in no-holds-barred orgies hosted in homes, public parks, restaurants, and aquariums in all 351 towns of Massachusetts.
“As a scientist, it’s my duty to lead the public in the appropriate response to ever-changing pandemic restrictions,” reported Baker’s chief epidemiologist Craig O’Hare, who mumbled through a ball gag. “While COVID-preventing face masks are no longer required, fetish masks are highly encouraged if you’re looking to ride the skin bus into tuna town in the middle of the Commons. Prefered, even.”
“However, we strongly advise that all citizens who plan on getting some bomb stank on the hang low from Pittsfield to P-Town should continue to use plenty of hand sanitizer.”