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The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

New England’s Source For Wicked Serious News

satire

Time To Divorce? Husband Of 10 Years Just Pronounced Celtics With Hard C

August 20, 2020 by The Boston Accent

“It’s heartbreaking. You think you know a guy after a decade of marriage, and then they ruin it all in a moment,” said Heather Santerini, a diehard Celtics fan now strongly considering divorce. “We’ve literally watched hundreds of NBA games together—was he ever paying attention? Is he even from here? I don’t know what to believe anymore.” … [Read more...] about Time To Divorce? Husband Of 10 Years Just Pronounced Celtics With Hard C

School “Just Outside Boston” Now “Just Inside Internet”

August 18, 2020 by The Boston Accent

Harvard Online

Due to the ongoing pandemic, the elite institution located “just outside of Boston” can now be found “just inside the Internet.” To make sure online-only students don’t miss out on the experience of humble bragging about going to Harvard, the university released guidance for students looking for new ways to fake humility about their school in conversation.  “There are … [Read more...] about School “Just Outside Boston” Now “Just Inside Internet”

Chants From Fake Crowd At Fenway Park Most Respectful In Decades

August 15, 2020 by Dave Vadala

“I wasn’t even sure I was watching the right game,” said long time Red Sox fan Pat Grimley, who watched the game on ESPN. “I didn’t hear the crowd yell either of the F-words even once.” Players were also taken by surprise at the supportive and non-offensive nature of the artificial chants, which were broadcast across the stadium speaker system. “No one yelled a single … [Read more...] about Chants From Fake Crowd At Fenway Park Most Respectful In Decades

EXCLUSIVE: Ed Markey Regrets Decision To Be Old

August 13, 2020 by The Boston Accent

Admitting that he “made a big mistake,” Senate incumbent Ed Markey apologized to Massachusetts voters this week for “choosing to be old.” “When my campaign and I decided I would be born in 1946, we didn’t foresee the immense impact it would have on this Senate primary,” said Markey at a press conference on Thursday. “I can only hope the great people of Massachusetts can … [Read more...] about EXCLUSIVE: Ed Markey Regrets Decision To Be Old

Tom Brady Installs Emergency Avocado In Tampa Bay Locker

August 10, 2020 by Jack Stebbins

“In crazy times like these, you never know when you need an avocado,” said Brady. “I can’t tell you how often I find myself in major crisis because I need monounsaturated fat.” Image and headline by contributor Jack Stebbins. Check out Jack on Instagram @stebbuns and Twitter @jackstebbs … [Read more...] about Tom Brady Installs Emergency Avocado In Tampa Bay Locker

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The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

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  • Honoring A Legend: Eliot Tatelman’s Ponytail To Hang In Rafters Of Jordan’s Furniture Following Retirement April 27, 2025
  • Red Sox Reveal Rafael Devers Has Been Using New Donut Shaped Bat April 2, 2025
  • American Government Defends Constitution By Abducting Individuals Exercising First Amendment March 28, 2025
  • Very Real Saint Patrick’s Day Events Across Boston March 14, 2025

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