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The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

New England’s Source For Wicked Serious News

Culture

Gov. Baker Announces Boston’s Nonexistent Nightlife Can Finally Reopen

May 30, 2021 by Nick Carter

BOSTON—Slowly pumping his fist behind the podium, Governor Charlie Baker announced that Boston’s virtually nonexistent nightlife could finally reopen this weekend.  “Over the past year, the late-night social scene of our capital city has been stunted by the pandemic. I’m excited to usher in a return to normalcy by opening all clubs and bars back to their former glory of … [Read more...] about Gov. Baker Announces Boston’s Nonexistent Nightlife Can Finally Reopen

Gov. Baker Announces Statewide Bacchanalian Sex Carnival Can Begin May 29

May 19, 2021 by The Boston Accent

Content warning: crude language BOSTON—In an official statement from Beacon Hill, Governor Charlie Baker announced that Massachusetts will host its first annual statewide bacchanalian sex carnival at 100% capacity on May 29. “I am pleased to inform the citizens of Massachusetts that, after a year of hardship, sacrifice, and diligence, they can rip off their masks with … [Read more...] about Gov. Baker Announces Statewide Bacchanalian Sex Carnival Can Begin May 29

Previously Masked Neighbors Suddenly No Longer Flirting

May 1, 2021 by Brett McCabe

“It’s not that the bottom half of his face is unattractive, it’s just not what I had in mind during the past ten months of casual masked conversation.” … [Read more...] about Previously Masked Neighbors Suddenly No Longer Flirting

Finally, A United Nation: 100% Of Americans Agree They’d Rather See Jake Paul Get Knocked Out Than Receive Another Stimulus Check

April 29, 2021 by The Boston Accent

“America may be more divided than ever, but it appears we all agree on one thing: wanting to see Jake Paul get his long overdue comeuppance,” said Pew research Dan Hinkley, who ran the survey. “Astonishingly, 70% of Americans said they would even pay their last stimulus check back to the government if it meant they got to see Jake getting rocked in the kisser by a ‘decent … [Read more...] about Finally, A United Nation: 100% Of Americans Agree They’d Rather See Jake Paul Get Knocked Out Than Receive Another Stimulus Check

Impressive! Emerson Junior Breaks World Record For Most Banana Kush Pre-Rolls Shoved In One Sock Drawer

April 29, 2021 by The Boston Accent

BOSTON, MA—After swiftly stuffing 78 joints into his dresser before the RA came in for room inspection, Emerson junior Codey Sherman officially broke the world record for most banana kush pre-rolls shoved in a single sock drawer. “I am incredibly proud of Codey. She truly embodies all of the qualities we look for in an Emerson student: ingenuity, perseverance, and of course, … [Read more...] about Impressive! Emerson Junior Breaks World Record For Most Banana Kush Pre-Rolls Shoved In One Sock Drawer

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  • Celtics Trade Two NBA Champions For An Unopened Labubu June 26, 2025
  • Honoring A Legend: Eliot Tatelman’s Ponytail To Hang In Rafters Of Jordan’s Furniture Following Retirement April 27, 2025
  • Red Sox Reveal Rafael Devers Has Been Using New Donut Shaped Bat April 2, 2025
  • American Government Defends Constitution By Abducting Individuals Exercising First Amendment March 28, 2025

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