• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Top Stories
    • Local
    • National News
    • College
    • Sports
    • Culture
  • About
  • Contact
  • Support Us
  • New! Buy Merch
The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

New England’s Source For Wicked Serious News

Gov. Baker Announces Boston’s Nonexistent Nightlife Can Finally Reopen

May 30, 2021 by Nick Carter

BOSTON—Slowly pumping his fist behind the podium, Governor Charlie Baker announced that Boston’s virtually nonexistent nightlife could finally reopen this weekend. 

“Over the past year, the late-night social scene of our capital city has been stunted by the pandemic. I’m excited to usher in a return to normalcy by opening all clubs and bars back to their former glory of a handful of totally trashed patrons.”

“While the city will continue to ban happy hours and last call will remain at 1:30am, we are confident the party scene will soon reach the dull roar it once was.”

At press time, every person going out tonight was prebooking an Uber because there are almost no drivers now and the MBTA doesn’t run past midnight. 

Share this:

  • Tweet

Related

Filed Under: Culture Tagged With: boston, boston nightlife, Local, reopening

Primary Sidebar

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

The Latest

LEGO Celebrates Moving North American Headquarters To Boston With ‘Big Dig’ Set That Takes 25 Years To Complete

January 24, 2023

Tom Brady Suffers Early Exit From NFL Playoffs, By Far The Worst Thing To Happen To Him In Past Year

January 18, 2023

Boston Area Landlord Admits Most Of $3000 Rent Goes Toward Maintaining Ornate Door Frames

January 12, 2023

Sports

Brad Stevens Reportedly Furious With Ime Udoka Once Somebody Explained To Him What Sex Is

September 22, 2022

College

‘I Go To School In Boston,’ Says Vague BU Student Who Wants Strangers From Hometown To Think They Go To Harvard

January 5, 2023

National

Bostonians Call Out ‘The Last Of Us’ For Unrealistic Lack Of Zombies Wearing Scally Caps

January 26, 2023

Footer

About Us

The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

We publish satire (so don’t sue us) that might make you spit out your Dunkin’ and Boston cream donut all over Harvard Yard.

Want to pitch us? Send 5-10 headlines and a short bio here. New England centric pitches preferred, but open to all (funny) content!

Recent

  • Bostonians Call Out ‘The Last Of Us’ For Unrealistic Lack Of Zombies Wearing Scally Caps January 26, 2023
  • LEGO Celebrates Moving North American Headquarters To Boston With ‘Big Dig’ Set That Takes 25 Years To Complete January 24, 2023
  • Tom Brady Suffers Early Exit From NFL Playoffs, By Far The Worst Thing To Happen To Him In Past Year January 18, 2023
  • Boston Area Landlord Admits Most Of $3000 Rent Goes Toward Maintaining Ornate Door Frames January 12, 2023

Search

Follow Us!

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2023 The Boston Accent · Satire for the Massholes