WASHINGTON, D.C.—After earning his second impeachment, President Trump is now just one away from the final third punch on his Presidential Preferred Customer Card, granting him one medium-sized frozen yogurt of his choice. “Everybody said this was a deed that couldn’t be done. Too complicated. Too big. Couldn’t be done. Well, guess what? I’ve punched more holes than ANBODY … [Read more...] about Trump Just One Impeachment Away From A Free Frozen Yogurt
satire
Man Who Hasn’t Washed Mask Since August Confused Where This Rash Came From
BOSTON, MA—After five consecutive months of not washing the one cloth face mask he owns, local man Dalton Fisher told reporters Thursday he has absolutely no idea why his chin, cheeks, and mouth are now covered in a constellation of grotesque pustules. “I’m telling you, it’s bizarre! Six months ago my skin was perfectly clear. Now it looks like a Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready … [Read more...] about Man Who Hasn’t Washed Mask Since August Confused Where This Rash Came From
Capitol Police Invest Billions In Anti-Door-Opening Technology
WASHINGTON D.C. — After the U.S. Capitol was overrun with rioters and terrorists seeking to overturn the certification of the 2020 election, the Capitol Police Force has announced that billions of dollars will be invested in state-of-art anti-door-opening technology. Today, the Force unveiled their new high-tech security measures for the next Republican insurrection: two … [Read more...] about Capitol Police Invest Billions In Anti-Door-Opening Technology
Georgia Engulfed In Blue Wave 5 Years Earlier Than Climate Scientists Expected
ATLANTA – The victories of Senators-Elect Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff have submerged the state of Georgia in a blue wave years earlier than climate scientists expected. “I thought the first time I would see a blue Georgia would be from a boat,” said 27-year-old resident Erica Sawyer. “Our coastline has been eroding fast, but this flood came way ahead of schedule.” In a … [Read more...] about Georgia Engulfed In Blue Wave 5 Years Earlier Than Climate Scientists Expected
‘I Got Into Dartmouth!’ Exclaims New Hampshire Man Who Just Broke Into School’s Library
This is really a dream come true. I’ve been studying years for this very moment! I can’t believe I got into Dartmouth. Their library, to be exact. My family is going to be so proud when I tell them I finally figured out how to pick that stupid side door lock of the Baker Memorial Library. My first choice! These old dry books are going to make great kindling. We’re having a … [Read more...] about ‘I Got Into Dartmouth!’ Exclaims New Hampshire Man Who Just Broke Into School’s Library