“We regret to inform our Boston sports fans that Lucky is, indeed, canonically opposed to all vaccinations,” announced Celtics GM Danny Ainge, confirming the rumor floating around Twitter this week. “When the mascot was created more than 50 years ago, everyone hated all immunizations—especially Bostonians. It was a different time and Lucky reflects that. Ainge quietly added … [Read more...] about Heartbreaking: Celtics Reluctantly Confirm Mascot Lucky The Leprechaun Is An Anti-Vaxxer
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Citing Health Concerns, Sharks Of Cape Cod Announce Ban On Eating Humans
“Yeah, we’re gonna pass on eating you this year,” said shark commissioner Larry Bytes, wearing a mask as he spoke to human reporters. We’ll stick to eating safe things, like seals and pieces of plastic.” … [Read more...] about Citing Health Concerns, Sharks Of Cape Cod Announce Ban On Eating Humans
Man Preps For Reopening Of Bars By Lighting $100 On Fire, Spilling Half His Drinks On Floor
“I’m so pumped that nightlife might be opening up soon—I really miss bar-hopping in Kendall Square,” said 28-year-old Jeff Torres, who typically spent his evenings out jostling through packed dance floors to buy $15 gin and tonics. "Drinking at home is so boring and efficient." Torres says he's also been practicing calling Ubers after blacking out, formerly a regular … [Read more...] about Man Preps For Reopening Of Bars By Lighting $100 On Fire, Spilling Half His Drinks On Floor
Actual Maine Town Way Creepier Than Any Described In Stephen King Novel
“I’ve read every book King wrote—he loves to set them in fictional New England towns,” said horror fan Bradley Shepherd. “But rural Maine is far more terrifying than anything I’ve ever seen or read before. Never, ever go there.” … [Read more...] about Actual Maine Town Way Creepier Than Any Described In Stephen King Novel
Safety Win! American Airlines Books Plane So Full, Coronavirus Can’t Even Fit
"The health and safety of our passengers is always our number one priority," said airline spokesperson Pamela Green. "That's why we are stuffing our cabins to the brim with people, so there is no remaining space for the virus." … [Read more...] about Safety Win! American Airlines Books Plane So Full, Coronavirus Can’t Even Fit