BOSTON, MA—Krista McMullen, a recent college graduate, stares at the sign with snowballing insanity, “I literally can’t.” The sign sits above the couch in her basement studio. “At first I thought it was cute. Now it’s just a daily reminder of how awful the world is.” At press time, sources indicate Krista was seen drinking from a mug that said "Hang in there.” Written … [Read more...] about “Live, Laugh, Love” Sign Mocking You More Each Day
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‘Hold My Dunkin’,’ Says Man About To Test Limits Of MassHealth Insurance
“Dude, I could totally jump clear over that shopping cart,” said 26-year-old Brad Poisano, an unemployed North End resident who was recently kicked off his parent’s insurance. “Just hold my Dunks and watch.” At press time, a concussed Poisano was seen attempting to call an Uber to Boston Medical Center after learning how much an ambulance ride costs. Written by … [Read more...] about ‘Hold My Dunkin’,’ Says Man About To Test Limits Of MassHealth Insurance
Heartbreaking: Celtics Reluctantly Confirm Mascot Lucky The Leprechaun Is An Anti-Vaxxer
“We regret to inform our Boston sports fans that Lucky is, indeed, canonically opposed to all vaccinations,” announced Celtics GM Danny Ainge, confirming the rumor floating around Twitter this week. “When the mascot was created more than 50 years ago, everyone hated all immunizations—especially Bostonians. It was a different time and Lucky reflects that. Ainge quietly added … [Read more...] about Heartbreaking: Celtics Reluctantly Confirm Mascot Lucky The Leprechaun Is An Anti-Vaxxer
Citing Health Concerns, Sharks Of Cape Cod Announce Ban On Eating Humans
“Yeah, we’re gonna pass on eating you this year,” said shark commissioner Larry Bytes, wearing a mask as he spoke to human reporters. We’ll stick to eating safe things, like seals and pieces of plastic.” … [Read more...] about Citing Health Concerns, Sharks Of Cape Cod Announce Ban On Eating Humans
Man Preps For Reopening Of Bars By Lighting $100 On Fire, Spilling Half His Drinks On Floor
“I’m so pumped that nightlife might be opening up soon—I really miss bar-hopping in Kendall Square,” said 28-year-old Jeff Torres, who typically spent his evenings out jostling through packed dance floors to buy $15 gin and tonics. "Drinking at home is so boring and efficient." Torres says he's also been practicing calling Ubers after blacking out, formerly a regular … [Read more...] about Man Preps For Reopening Of Bars By Lighting $100 On Fire, Spilling Half His Drinks On Floor