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The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

New England’s Source For Wicked Serious News

The Boston Accent

Tufts University Buys Pornhub Premium For Every Freshman To Keep Students In Dorms

September 8, 2020 by The Boston Accent

In a move experts are calling “totally weird but kind of necessary,” Tufts University announced this week that they will be purchasing every first year student a Pornhub Premium account, intended to “keep them occupied for a while” so they don’t party.  “As an administration, our reopening plan is comprehensive and places student safety at its core,” said a school … [Read more...] about Tufts University Buys Pornhub Premium For Every Freshman To Keep Students In Dorms

Time To Divorce? Husband Of 10 Years Just Pronounced Celtics With Hard C

August 20, 2020 by The Boston Accent

“It’s heartbreaking. You think you know a guy after a decade of marriage, and then they ruin it all in a moment,” said Heather Santerini, a diehard Celtics fan now strongly considering divorce. “We’ve literally watched hundreds of NBA games together—was he ever paying attention? Is he even from here? I don’t know what to believe anymore.” … [Read more...] about Time To Divorce? Husband Of 10 Years Just Pronounced Celtics With Hard C

School “Just Outside Boston” Now “Just Inside Internet”

August 18, 2020 by The Boston Accent

Harvard Online

Due to the ongoing pandemic, the elite institution located “just outside of Boston” can now be found “just inside the Internet.” To make sure online-only students don’t miss out on the experience of humble bragging about going to Harvard, the university released guidance for students looking for new ways to fake humility about their school in conversation.  “There are … [Read more...] about School “Just Outside Boston” Now “Just Inside Internet”

EXCLUSIVE: Ed Markey Regrets Decision To Be Old

August 13, 2020 by The Boston Accent

Admitting that he “made a big mistake,” Senate incumbent Ed Markey apologized to Massachusetts voters this week for “choosing to be old.” “When my campaign and I decided I would be born in 1946, we didn’t foresee the immense impact it would have on this Senate primary,” said Markey at a press conference on Thursday. “I can only hope the great people of Massachusetts can … [Read more...] about EXCLUSIVE: Ed Markey Regrets Decision To Be Old

Parents Terrified To Find Teen Experimenting With Street Drug “Venmo“

August 7, 2020 by The Boston Accent

NEEDHAM—We sat down with Pam and Mark Brewster, who recounted the harrowing details of their son’s crippling addiction to a drug called Venmo. “Our 20-year-old Jack sends his friends money for Venmo almost every day,” said Pam Brewster, sniffling into a tissue. These crazy kids even have an app to track how much Venmo they’re injecting.“ “We just wish he would talk to us … [Read more...] about Parents Terrified To Find Teen Experimenting With Street Drug “Venmo“

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  • Celtics Trade Two NBA Champions For An Unopened Labubu June 26, 2025
  • Honoring A Legend: Eliot Tatelman’s Ponytail To Hang In Rafters Of Jordan’s Furniture Following Retirement April 27, 2025
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  • American Government Defends Constitution By Abducting Individuals Exercising First Amendment March 28, 2025

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