BOSTON—Recent polling results suggest that citizens of Boston are increasingly worried about the startling lack of blah, noncommittal white men running for mayor in this year’s election. In a historic first for the city, the mayoral race includes approximately zero confused-looking middle-aged white dudes spouting nonsense and palaver. Reports suggest many voters are … [Read more...] about Bostonians Panic Over Lack Of Equivocating White Men In Mayoral Election
Unvaccinated Cam Newton Gets First Dose Of Reality
Sources say he’s expected to get some booster doses of reality in coming months too! … [Read more...] about Unvaccinated Cam Newton Gets First Dose Of Reality
Scientists Warn Climate Change May Extend Iced Coffee Season Indefinitely
“Our planet is not ready for the disastrous possibility that iced coffee season will soon be all year round,” said an MIT climate scientist, who led the research. “Heat wave after record heat wave, our country is turning to iced coffee permanently as a makeshift solution to cool off. But we simply do not have the resources to support this change on a global … [Read more...] about Scientists Warn Climate Change May Extend Iced Coffee Season Indefinitely
Bruins Fan Celebrates Victory Over Capitals By Happily Punching New Hole In Wall
“To be fair, if we had lost the series I was gonna punch a hole in the wall too,” said Mickey Porter, grinning ear to ear as he pulled his bruised fist from the drywall. “Punching and hitting stuff is how I express all my emotions.” Porter added that he’s prepping for the second round of the playoffs by purchasing dozens of cheap glasses from the local thrift store, which he … [Read more...] about Bruins Fan Celebrates Victory Over Capitals By Happily Punching New Hole In Wall
Gov. Baker Announces Statewide Bacchanalian Sex Carnival Can Begin May 29
Content warning: crude language BOSTON—In an official statement from Beacon Hill, Governor Charlie Baker announced that Massachusetts will host its first annual statewide bacchanalian sex carnival at 100% capacity on May 29. “I am pleased to inform the citizens of Massachusetts that, after a year of hardship, sacrifice, and diligence, they can rip off their masks with … [Read more...] about Gov. Baker Announces Statewide Bacchanalian Sex Carnival Can Begin May 29