WARWICK, R.I. — Local resident Liam Murphy was in for the shock of his life when he was greeted by a “Closed for Renovations” banner as he attempted to pull into his Dunkin drive-through, outraged sources confirmed.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes! I barely needed a coffee after I was jolted awake by that disappointment,” said Murphy, still barely able to believe what he was saying. “I can remember all the thoughts that went through my head. My god, my Dunkin?! The holy grail of my morning routine, closed? What am I supposed to do?! They can’t do this to people!”
Forced to find a lesser breakfast option, Murphy spotted a nearby Honey Dew after passing a hodgepodge of ‘too fancy’ coffee shops. He reluctantly ventured inside.
“I knew I was stepping into unfamiliar territory, but I could have never imagined the horror. I just figured it couldn’t be that different, but good lord was I wrong,” said Murphy. “It looked like a K-mart in there. I cautiously ordered from the barren display of donuts, but the pastry crumbled in my hand before it could even reach my mouth. I hoped the iced coffee might be a little better, but it was lukewarm at best. Oh, and it tasted like unfiltered motor oil, but yeah, more importantly, it wasn’t that cold.”
Murphy couldn’t imagine it could get much worse.
“As I was walking out the door to leave, I spotted a sign out front that read, ‘Try Our Burritos.’ That’s when I started to break down crying. I just pictured the poor lost souls misguided enough to actually try avocado in this wasteland. I hope St. Peter is kind to them, as they are obviously dead now.”
As Murphy walked back to his car, wiping tears from his eyes, he passed his neighbor who was picking up a donut tower for his daughter’s wedding.