• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Top Stories
    • Local
    • National News
    • College
    • Sports
    • Culture
  • About
  • Contact
  • Support Us
  • New! Buy Merch
The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

Wicked Serious Satire

Top Tips For Seducing A Rich Harvard Student And Getting That Bread

February 14, 2021 by The Boston Accent

Ever wanted to wed a wealthy Cantabrigian and inherit their family’s fortune? Who hasn’t! Unfortunately, courting an Ivy League suitor is harder than it may seem—especially if you don’t go to, ahem, a small school just outside of Boston.

But fear not! Here are some tried and true tips that will help you seduce the rich Harvard student of your parent’s dreams.

  • Mention you know someone at Goldman Sachs. If they ask who, just say “Chase Reagan” or “Reagan Chase.” Every Harvard student knows at least one person with these names.
  • Find a Kennedy (they are everywhere). You can’t throw a stone in Harvard Yard without hitting an up-and-coming politician of this famed American dynasty (but be careful, they are fragile!). Make sure to work something into your conversation about Cape Cod (they love it!) but do NOT mention the word Chappaquiddick
  • The classic Brandy, Belt Buckle, Plato trick™. Hold an expensive brandy while tucking your thumb behind a belt buckle of a family crest and say the following: “Look, anyone can read Plato in the original Greek, if you want to wow the prof you’ve got to write your dissertation in Greek as well, like I am.” Be careful with this one, though: It may be TOO powerful and you’ll end up with five Harvard students in fisticuffs.
  • Brag about your lack of empathy. Once bars are back open, go to Daedalus and loudly talk about that time you felt nothing when you accidentally ran over a small animal which might have been a person but you never looked back. One cannot attend Harvard without being at least a smidge pathological.
  • Whisper the words ‘Yacht Crimes’ repeatedly while walking down Mass. Ave in Cambridge. We don’t know why this works, but it does, trust us.

Share this:

  • Tweet

Related

Filed Under: College, Local Tagged With: Harvard, satire, the Boston accent

Primary Sidebar

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

The Latest

Experts Agree: If It Was Going To Happen, You’d Be Famous By Now

February 27, 2021

Cape Cod Dad Shocked To Discover Paintings Can Depict Subjects Other Than Ships

February 20, 2021

Top Tips For Seducing A Rich Harvard Student And Getting That Bread

February 14, 2021

Sports

New England Buccaneers Win Super Bowl

February 7, 2021

College

Legendary MIT Party Almost Hits Pod Limit

January 31, 2021

National

Heartwarming: Senator Sinema Pays Homage To Her Hero Emperor Commodus From Gladiator In Vote Against $15 Minimum Wage

March 6, 2021

Footer

About Us

The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

We publish satire (so don’t sue us) that might make you spit out your Dunkin’ and Boston cream donut all over Harvard Yard.

Want to pitch us? Send 5-10 headlines and a short bio here.

Recent

  • Heartwarming: Senator Sinema Pays Homage To Her Hero Emperor Commodus From Gladiator In Vote Against $15 Minimum Wage March 6, 2021
  • Experts Agree: If It Was Going To Happen, You’d Be Famous By Now February 27, 2021
  • Cape Cod Dad Shocked To Discover Paintings Can Depict Subjects Other Than Ships February 20, 2021
  • Top Tips For Seducing A Rich Harvard Student And Getting That Bread February 14, 2021

Search

Follow Us!

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2021 The Boston Accent · Satire for the Massholes