Ever wanted to wed a wealthy Cantabrigian and inherit their family’s fortune? Who hasn’t! Unfortunately, courting an Ivy League suitor is harder than it may seem—especially if you don’t go to, ahem, a small school just outside of Boston.
But fear not! Here are some tried and true tips that will help you seduce the rich Harvard student of your parent’s dreams.
- Mention you know someone at Goldman Sachs. If they ask who, just say “Chase Reagan” or “Reagan Chase.” Every Harvard student knows at least one person with these names.
- Find a Kennedy (they are everywhere). You can’t throw a stone in Harvard Yard without hitting an up-and-coming politician of this famed American dynasty (but be careful, they are fragile!). Make sure to work something into your conversation about Cape Cod (they love it!) but do NOT mention the word Chappaquiddick
- The classic Brandy, Belt Buckle, Plato trick™. Hold an expensive brandy while tucking your thumb behind a belt buckle of a family crest and say the following: “Look, anyone can read Plato in the original Greek, if you want to wow the prof you’ve got to write your dissertation in Greek as well, like I am.” Be careful with this one, though: It may be TOO powerful and you’ll end up with five Harvard students in fisticuffs.
- Brag about your lack of empathy. Once bars are back open, go to Daedalus and loudly talk about that time you felt nothing when you accidentally ran over a small animal which might have been a person but you never looked back. One cannot attend Harvard without being at least a smidge pathological.
- Whisper the words ‘Yacht Crimes’ repeatedly while walking down Mass. Ave in Cambridge. We don’t know why this works, but it does, trust us.