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The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

Wicked Serious Satire

Man Who Hasn’t Washed Mask Since August Confused Where This Rash Came From

January 10, 2021 by Lauren Levine

BOSTON, MA—After five consecutive months of not washing the one cloth face mask he owns, local man Dalton Fisher told reporters Thursday he has absolutely no idea why his chin, cheeks, and mouth are now covered in a constellation of grotesque pustules.

“I’m telling you, it’s bizarre! Six months ago my skin was perfectly clear. Now it looks like a Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready pepperoni pizza. I just don’t understand why,” said Fisher, turning away to sneeze into his mask. “Sorry, something has been making my mold allergies act up lately.”

The 34-year-old added that he feels lucky he can at least wear the mask to cover up his breakout. 

“That’s the one silver lining really. I just keep my mask on all day, every day, and no one can see that my face looks awful. Even when I’m dripping sweat during my daily runs, you can’t tell my skin is an absolute mess.”

At press time, Fisher was seen googling “unexplained face rashes” while putting his droplet covered mask back on his greasy face for the millionth time.

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