BOSTON — Red Sox research and development staff recently explained how the team’s cutting-edge bat technology has helped star designated hitter Rafael Devers achieve his historic 0-19 start to the season. “We were analyzing video from previous seasons, and a pattern became apparent,” said Connor McCann, the team’s principal engineer and tech lead. “We noticed that batted … [Read more...] about Red Sox Reveal Rafael Devers Has Been Using New Donut Shaped Bat
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Pats Fan Yearns For Day They Can Incorporate Free Dunkin’ Iced Coffee After Wins Into Financial Planning Again
Tewksbury, MA - Resident Tom Connors is hopeful the age old free-iced-coffee-after-Pats-win promo will be revived and relevant this season and he can finally pencil it back into his financial plans. “During the good years, that free iced coffee was a big part of my weekly fall budgeting,” huffed Connors, “I saved hundreds from it. But when the Pats fell off, I guess so did … [Read more...] about Pats Fan Yearns For Day They Can Incorporate Free Dunkin’ Iced Coffee After Wins Into Financial Planning Again
Exhausted Salem Residents Give Up, Grant Tourists Free Entry Into All Homes
Salem, MA—Exasperated residents in the seaside town famous for its 1692 witch trials say they have given up on keeping ghoul-hungry tourists from barging into their private homes this Halloween season. “It is worse this year than ever,” said a Washington Square resident who wished to remain anonymous. “Tourists have been looking in my windows since July. They think my house … [Read more...] about Exhausted Salem Residents Give Up, Grant Tourists Free Entry Into All Homes
Worcester Native Reveals He Gained Pommel Horse Powers After Strange Explosion At Polar Factory
According Worcester’s own viral gymnast Stephen Nedoroscik, his skills on the Pommel Horse started immediately following a “freak accident” at the Polar beverages plant. “I was there for an engineering internship and one day I just saw a huge flash of green and a deafening screech. I woke up in a daze and realized I could do all sorts or crazy spins and stuff. It was … [Read more...] about Worcester Native Reveals He Gained Pommel Horse Powers After Strange Explosion At Polar Factory
Boston Briefly Replaces New York City As Dublin’s Portal Connection, Shuts Down After Both Sides Get Bored Watching Drunk Guys Named Liam Fight
Did you know Boston and Dublin were recently linked by The Portal after New York City’s infamous flashing incident? Of course you didn’t. That’s because it lasted a mere two hours before shutting down due to sheer boredom from both sides of watching sloshed Liams scrap each other for hours on end. “We already got dudes in scally caps brawling here, I can walk down Dot … [Read more...] about Boston Briefly Replaces New York City As Dublin’s Portal Connection, Shuts Down After Both Sides Get Bored Watching Drunk Guys Named Liam Fight