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The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

New England’s Source For Wicked Serious News

Malt Schlitzman

Patriots Sign Literal Goat

March 14, 2021 by Malt Schlitzman

“It’s perfect because he has the exact same diet as Brady did,” said the Patriots team chef. The goat, name Tahhhhhm, is already a close friend of Belichick, and has taken on the extra role of chewing the sleeves off his hoodies. … [Read more...] about Patriots Sign Literal Goat

Experts Agree: If It Was Going To Happen, You’d Be Famous By Now

February 27, 2021 by Malt Schlitzman

BOSTON—This Friday, leaders in the fields of art, writing, and photography collectively agreed that if your work was any good, you’d already be famous. According to one professor who spoke under conditions of anonymity, "It's impressive how long you’ve been committed to this one pursuit given the negligible impact you’ve made, I will say that. Maybe channel that passion into … [Read more...] about Experts Agree: If It Was Going To Happen, You’d Be Famous By Now

MBTA Crew Devoured After Accidentally Wandering Into Underground Nest Of Dropkick Murphys

January 24, 2021 by Malt Schlitzman

BOSTON—Tragedy has struck as an entire team of Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority workers were eaten alive after stumbling upon the underground nest of the band Dropkick Murphys. “We were lured into the lair by a faint sound of punk rock music. I’m pretty sure it was ‘Johnny I Hardly New Ya,’” recalled the lone survivor of the massacre. “The beat just kept … [Read more...] about MBTA Crew Devoured After Accidentally Wandering Into Underground Nest Of Dropkick Murphys

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The Latest

Boston McDonald’s Permanently Closes After Deal Offering Free Shamrock Shake To Any Resident With Shamrock Tattoo Backfires

March 15, 2023

All State Universities To Close After Gov. Healey Bets Education Funding On Red Sox Spring Training Parlay

March 11, 2023

I Can’t Believe This Server Offered Me A Dripping Hot 3-Way My First Time In The North Shore!

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‘I Go To School In Boston,’ Says Vague BU Student Who Wants Strangers From Hometown To Think They Go To Harvard

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National

MBTA Train Left In The Dust By 5-Year-Old On Tricycle

March 21, 2023

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The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

We publish satire (so don’t sue us) that might make you spit out your Dunkin’ and Boston cream donut all over Harvard Yard.

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Recent

  • MBTA Train Left In The Dust By 5-Year-Old On Tricycle March 21, 2023
  • Boston McDonald’s Permanently Closes After Deal Offering Free Shamrock Shake To Any Resident With Shamrock Tattoo Backfires March 15, 2023
  • All State Universities To Close After Gov. Healey Bets Education Funding On Red Sox Spring Training Parlay March 11, 2023
  • I Can’t Believe This Server Offered Me A Dripping Hot 3-Way My First Time In The North Shore! March 9, 2023

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