“Our patent-pending Biden Gaffe Cushions® help soften the blow to our staff’s heads as they smash repeatedly against hard surfaces whenever Joe opens his mouth,” said a campaign representative. “We are also trialing cushions for their palms. We hope to sell both of these lifesaving products on our website very soon, so that disappointed Democrats everywhere can enjoy them!” … [Read more...] about Biden Campaign Office Installs Cushions On All Desks To Protect Staffer Foreheads
BREAKING: Bentley University Still Exists
In news that no one saw coming, Bentley University announced on Thursday that it somehow still exists. “We’re just as surprised as everyone else,” said Bentley’s dean of students, who admits she fully expected the school to go under by now. “I’ve been applying to jobs since March, just in case.” A Bentley university student told us he didn’t realize the school was … [Read more...] about BREAKING: Bentley University Still Exists
Cosmo Declares Mask Tan Lines The Sexiest Trend Of Summer 2020
“Staying safe is sexy AF,” wrote Cosmo editor Lilac Evergreen, who ranked mask tan lines just above turquoise latex gloves. “Everyone will be staring, I promise you that.” … [Read more...] about Cosmo Declares Mask Tan Lines The Sexiest Trend Of Summer 2020
Trump Tells Americans Skeptical Of His Mental State That He Once Finished Entire I Spy Book
"It was very hard—some people say the hardest—because the pictures have so much going on! It's crazy how much they have going on. You really gotta be a genius to finish one, and I did it,” said the president, grinning with pride.“The fake news media will say I didn’t, but I did.” … [Read more...] about Trump Tells Americans Skeptical Of His Mental State That He Once Finished Entire I Spy Book
Gordon Hayward Misses Mark With Protest Jersey About Gaming
As his Celtics teammates wore jerseys sporting uplifting messages of protest like “Black Lives Matter,” “Equality,” and “Liberation” during the NBA season restart, Hayward used his platform to express strong opinions about video games. “I’m a huge gamer, and I don’t think Americans talk enough about how superior Fortnite is to Call of Duty Warzone,” said the NBA player … [Read more...] about Gordon Hayward Misses Mark With Protest Jersey About Gaming