Admitting that he “made a big mistake,” Senate incumbent Ed Markey apologized to Massachusetts voters this week for “choosing to be old.” “When my campaign and I decided I would be born in 1946, we didn’t foresee the immense impact it would have on this Senate primary,” said Markey at a press conference on Thursday. “I can only hope the great people of Massachusetts can … [Read more...] about EXCLUSIVE: Ed Markey Regrets Decision To Be Old
Parents Terrified To Find Teen Experimenting With Street Drug “Venmo“
NEEDHAM—We sat down with Pam and Mark Brewster, who recounted the harrowing details of their son’s crippling addiction to a drug called Venmo. “Our 20-year-old Jack sends his friends money for Venmo almost every day,” said Pam Brewster, sniffling into a tissue. These crazy kids even have an app to track how much Venmo they’re injecting.“ “We just wish he would talk to us … [Read more...] about Parents Terrified To Find Teen Experimenting With Street Drug “Venmo“
Biden Campaign Office Installs Cushions On All Desks To Protect Staffer Foreheads
“Our patent-pending Biden Gaffe Cushions® help soften the blow to our staff’s heads as they smash repeatedly against hard surfaces whenever Joe opens his mouth,” said a campaign representative. “We are also trialing cushions for their palms. We hope to sell both of these lifesaving products on our website very soon, so that disappointed Democrats everywhere can enjoy them!” … [Read more...] about Biden Campaign Office Installs Cushions On All Desks To Protect Staffer Foreheads
BREAKING: Bentley University Still Exists
In news that no one saw coming, Bentley University announced on Thursday that it somehow still exists. “We’re just as surprised as everyone else,” said Bentley’s dean of students, who admits she fully expected the school to go under by now. “I’ve been applying to jobs since March, just in case.” A Bentley university student told us he didn’t realize the school was … [Read more...] about BREAKING: Bentley University Still Exists
Cosmo Declares Mask Tan Lines The Sexiest Trend Of Summer 2020
“Staying safe is sexy AF,” wrote Cosmo editor Lilac Evergreen, who ranked mask tan lines just above turquoise latex gloves. “Everyone will be staring, I promise you that.” … [Read more...] about Cosmo Declares Mask Tan Lines The Sexiest Trend Of Summer 2020