“I despise the Celtics with every fiber of my being—have since I was a little boy growing up in Philly,” said a salty Sixers fan named Barrett Jacobs. “I wish more than anything that it was possible to hate Derrick White too since he’s a Celtic. But it’s just… not possible. He’s un-dislikable and I can’t explain why.”
Not even top MIT behavioral scientists have been able to deduce how Derrick White remains so utterly lovable to even the biggest naysayers.
“Mr. White is shattering our theoretical calculations based on projected crowd dynamics. We’re baffled—not a single soul in our nation, perhaps on the planet, has a negative attitude toward this individual.”
(Photos from Sam Adams and NBC Sports Boston, respectively. Used under fair use for satirical purposes)
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