DORCHESTER—As the first major winter storm of the season approached, Boston resident Johnny “Buckets” Buckachowski was seen sitting on his front stoop in shorts, holding a large iced coffee and staring at the sky.
“BRING IT ON!” said an ecstatic Buckets as he taunted the powers that be in tan cargo and bean boots, ready to fight off any dusting of snow that accumulates on his walkway. “I’ve been waiting for the first big storm of the year to wear my snow shorts that have been sitting in my dresser since the last blizzard. I’m so effing pumped it’s finally here.”
When our reporters asked why he didn’t put on a more appropriate pair of pants like insulated snow gear designed for the wintry conditions, Buckets responded “In this weather? What are you nuts kid? This is shorts and shoveling weather my guy!” He quickly brushed an icicle off his beard.
According to next door neighbor Jeannie Stevens, who has to listen to him talk trash about her snow blower for the duration of any significant snow event, Buckets always wears shorts during winter storms. “He calls me a wimp for wearing ski pants in zero degree weather while knocking me for ‘taking the easy way out’ as I use my snowblower,” said Stevens as she looked out her window towards Buckets, knee deep in a quickly building snowbank with his years-old shovel. “I just wish he wouldn’t toss the snow onto my walkway since my snowblower ‘can handle it,’ as he says.”
As snowflakes hit Buckets directly in the eyes, he was seen twirling around shouting “Is this all you got!” as he raised his snow shovel to the sky in an act of Dorchester dominance. He then poured his remaining iced coffee over his head, yelled maniacally, and ripped his Wahlburgers T shirt clean off.
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