- It’s polite to wave a fellow motorist through a stop sign, even if you got there first. If they won’t go ahead of you right away, don’t worry, just start flailing your arms aggressively or even honking until they obey.
- If you see that a snowbank is blocking half of a parking spot at your local CVS, don’t pull into the next full parking spot. Just use the remaining space and then the next half-space. Your fellow shoppers will appreciate your efficiency.
- If a fellow motorist asks you for directions, be as helpful as possible. Remember that landmarks are an easy mnemonic for guiding someone who may be lost. Tell them to take a left where that Ocean State Job Lot used to be. Or a right at the house that was once painted blue where your friend Tony grew up. And be sure to let them know that if they see a fifth Dunkin on their way, they’ve gone too far.
- If directions indicate that your journey may take longer than 20 minutes, consider packing a lunch and booking a dog sitter.
- If it seems like it might be a while before you can turn left on a four-lane highway, go ahead and poke your nose into the first two lanes and just kind of hang out for a while. Remember, if a car in oncoming traffic hits you, they risk dying too.
- Many Rhode Island highways were designed with almost no shoulder for cars attempting to merge in. While many Americans would see this as a safety hazard, you understand that this is actually a challenge. Do everything you can to block their entrance. If you let them in without putting the fear of God into their hearts, or without forcing them to consider pulling the emergency brake to avoid a fiery wreck, this could be grounds for losing your state-issued license.
- When passing the Big Blue Bug, make a joke about it being a major Rhode Island tourist attraction. This will be funny at first. Eventually, you’ll genuinely believe this.
- When driving through the city of Providence, be sure to stop at all crosswalks for students crossing on their way to class. Just be patient as the sea of backpacks meander slowly across the street. Unless of course, you spot one of those goth ones with a weird hat with animal ears on it. There are no laws against clipping an art student.
- If you spot an empty billboard, call personal injury attorney Rob Levine and let him know. Don’t worry, you’ll find his contact information on the next billboard.
- If directions indicate that your journey may take longer than 40 minutes, consider looking up flight options.
- If you absolutely have to go to Newport, go the long way. You are already taxed for everything in this overbearing despotic state. Paying $5 to use a slightly more convenient route will feel worse than the mob shakedowns you see your neighbor commit on a pretty regular basis.
- Under no circumcisions should you consider using your blinker. Suddenly everyone cares where you’re going? It’s none of their business!
- If your Google Maps directions have you crossing state lines, be sure to plan an exit strategy before leaving the state. Remember, if you stay in Seekonk for longer than 2 hours, you risk permanently being trapped in the body of a red-tailed hawk.*
* This is also true of Fall River but instead, you risk being stuck as a friendly drug dealer working in a place that looks kind of like a Starbucks but with yellow interiors. - Avoid bridges. They are scary.
- When pulling into a Dunkin, there is no sense in using the marked entrance. See if you can block traffic on a side street as you pull into the exit and force your way into the drive-through lane.
- If you are ever stuck on a hill in snowy weather, and it seems like your car just won’t make it, there’s only one option: gun it. It may seem like you’re just burning your tires and spinning in a circle, but that’s a defeatist attitude, and we won’t have it. Would Tom Brady have given up in a moment like this? Absolutely not. Mount your comeback. Smash that pedal harder. You’ll get there.
- Finally, if you ever spot anyone else breaking these rules, first you’ll want to honk loudly at them. If this doesn’t get them to correct their behavior, follow them around for a while. It will be important that you get to see their face, so you don’t spend the rest of your life wondering what that asshole looked like.
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