All State Universities To Close After Gov. Healey Bets Education Funding On Red Sox Spring Training Parlay

“FanDuel was running all these new promos this week to celebrate Massachusetts legalizing sports betting. They were too good to pass up!” explained the Governor, visibly ashamed and shaking.

“Next this I knew, I’d blown hundreds of millions on a 10 leg Red Sox parlay bet. All UMass schools are hereby closed indefinitely until I win it all back on Australian horse racing at 3AM tonight.”