After an outbreak of bird flu wreaked havoc on poultry farms over the past year, causing notable shortages of turkey, many have wondered whether the Thanksgiving staple would make it to the shelves this year. Not Erika Stauss, though.
“I dunno what the heck you’re talking about,” said the Quincy resident, standing in the parking lot of Shaw’s picking feathers out of the grill of her 2008 Kia Sorento. They’re friggin’ everywhere. How the hell could there be a shortage?” Strauss paused to light a cigarette off a smoldering wing.
“I’m on 3A just now and like thirty of ‘em walked out in front of my car. Hand to Christ, I tried to slow down, I really did, but still accidentally mowed a few down. If anyone wants to complain they can’t find their dry piece of meat at Star Market this Thanksgiving, tell ‘em to check my front axle. I gotta have a dozen butterballs jammed up there.”
At press time, Strauss had just arrived home and noticed most of the turkeys caught in her car’s grill were still alive and very, very angry.