• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Top Stories
    • Local
    • National News
    • College
    • Sports
    • Culture
  • About
  • Contact
  • Support Us
  • New! Buy Merch
The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

New England’s Source For Wicked Serious News

Rising Tuition Has Local Parents Wondering: Maybe My Teen Should Try The Smart Janitor Route Into College

March 30, 2022 by Matt McInerney

MEDFIELD, MA — Local parents Wilson and Laila Ryerson have been watching college tuition rise exponentially for years. They’re now starting to wonder if maybe their teenager would be open an alternate path into elite institutions.

“So I’m looking at our college savings account and realized we’ve only got a couple more years to save and a long way to go. So I decided to start brainstorming. I’m thinking hard, then suddenly it hits me: You know that movie? ‘How you like ‘dem apples?’” said Wilson doing his best Matt Damon impression.

“So I says to myself, ‘hey, our kid’s a scrappy little smartass! Why can’t he be a janitor too?’ I’m not saying it’s got to be MIT but maybe just like Hampshire or something?”

Wilson’s wife Laila, well aware of the financial trainwreck ahead, is open to all suggestions.

“Look, I’m willing to try anything here. Aiden doesn’t have the grades for a scholarship. We’re not poor enough for good financial aid. And we’re definitely not rich enough to donate a dorm and bribe our way in. Maybe this ‘smart janitor’ idea Wilson keeps harping on isn’t so dumb? What’s the worst that could happen, he learns how to actually use a mop?”

Aiden, their teenage son, isn’t quite as fond of this scheme.

“I don’t even want to go to college. I’m already a brand ambassador for my buddy’s company that sells hot sauce-flavored vape cartridges called Hot Hitz. And I doubt some square from Harvard can teach me how to dougie while keeping the product centered in shot for my story. Plus, I’ve already got like 10,000 followers,” he said with a smirk. “Oh, my dad’s stupid janitor idea? I don’t know about all that. I barely know how to sweep, let alone do calculus.”

As Aiden left the room, he overheard his father explaining the plot of ‘21’ to his mother. “Honey, I saw another movie about paying MIT tuition! Maybe if the kid can’t prove theorems, he could at least learn to count cards?”

Share this:

  • Tweet

Related

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Matt Damon, the Boston accent

Primary Sidebar

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

The Latest

Bostonians Call Out ‘The Last Of Us’ For Unrealistic Lack Of Zombies Wearing Scally Caps

January 26, 2023

LEGO Celebrates Moving North American Headquarters To Boston With ‘Big Dig’ Set That Takes 25 Years To Complete

January 24, 2023

Tom Brady Suffers Early Exit From NFL Playoffs, By Far The Worst Thing To Happen To Him In Past Year

January 18, 2023

Sports

Brad Stevens Reportedly Furious With Ime Udoka Once Somebody Explained To Him What Sex Is

September 22, 2022

College

‘I Go To School In Boston,’ Says Vague BU Student Who Wants Strangers From Hometown To Think They Go To Harvard

January 5, 2023

National

Family Starts GoFundMe For Frostbite Treatment After Boston Man Heroically Carried A Large Iced Extra Extra Home For His Ma During Arctic Freeze

February 4, 2023

Footer

About Us

The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

We publish satire (so don’t sue us) that might make you spit out your Dunkin’ and Boston cream donut all over Harvard Yard.

Want to pitch us? Send 5-10 headlines and a short bio here. New England centric pitches preferred, but open to all (funny) content!

Recent

  • Family Starts GoFundMe For Frostbite Treatment After Boston Man Heroically Carried A Large Iced Extra Extra Home For His Ma During Arctic Freeze February 4, 2023
  • Bostonians Call Out ‘The Last Of Us’ For Unrealistic Lack Of Zombies Wearing Scally Caps January 26, 2023
  • LEGO Celebrates Moving North American Headquarters To Boston With ‘Big Dig’ Set That Takes 25 Years To Complete January 24, 2023
  • Tom Brady Suffers Early Exit From NFL Playoffs, By Far The Worst Thing To Happen To Him In Past Year January 18, 2023

Search

Follow Us!

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2023 The Boston Accent · Satire for the Massholes