Real talk is hard. All of the eye contact and opening up—wouldn’t it be easier to shoot the shit about inconsequential sports news while you watch the game together? That’s why we’re here to help. Do you have some important things you’ve been waiting to say to your father figure but you’re just not great at expressing yourself?
Here’s how to tell your dad you love him and other translations for sports headlines you plan to text him.
Red Sox Signing Trevor Story to Make First Big Move in Free Agency
Translation:
Spring is here, Dad, and I’ve been thinking. We should try and start fresh. I know we haven’t always been that close, but change is good, and I’m willing to invest in a new beginning if you are.
Longtime Patriots Running Backs Coach Ivan Fears Considering Retirement
Translation:
I know you’re considering retirement, but I’m also a little worried you won’t know what to do with yourself if you do. Maybe you can just consider a part-time job around the neighborhood so you don’t drive mom totally nuts when you finally file those retirement papers?
Kyrie Irving Won’t Be Allowed to Play Home Games Due to Vaccination Status
Translation:
Dad, I promise I will come home for Thanksgiving this year if you can just do two things for me: show me some sort of proof of vaccination and a negative COVID test. And not the one you had to take at the office a few weeks ago, I really can’t believe you haven’t figured out how this works yet.
To be clear, we both agree this is a dumb move on Kyrie’s part, right? Right? No need to explain if your opinion is based on this news or because you’re still bitter about him leaving Boston years ago.
Bill Belichick’s Accidental Text to Brian Flores Revealed in NFL Lawsuit
Translation:
You sent me the grocery list again. I think you meant to send this to mom.
LeBron James Announces He Wants to Finish His Career in Boston
Translation:
Dad, this was a test and you’ve failed yet again. This is so clearly completely fake. I was just checking to see if you can be trusted with a Facebook account and the answer is clearly no. Now I’m starting to wonder if we need to start monitoring your internet access or put you in a home.
Translation:
Red Sox Broadcast Legend, Jerry Remy, Passes Away at 68.
Translation:
Uh… Never mind, I’m not gonna share this. We’re all going to live forever, no one in this family will ever die.
Tom Brady Tweets, “Love You All” to Pats Nation After Initial Snub
Translation:
I know I don’t always say it, but much like Tom Brady loves Patriots Nation through it all, I also do the thing to you that Tom Brady does to Pats Nation. You know what I mean? Like the heart emoji? You get it, right?