In a haunting turn of events that seems right out of an M Night Shyamalan movie, tourists from across the country have traveled to Salem, Massachusetts for the shock of their lives: it actually sucks.
“I came here to see some ghosts, experience the witch trials, and maybe encounter a colonial-era ghoul or two, but all I got was a weekend stuck in an overcrowded suburb full of booked up restaurants and goth kids,” said a visiting tourist from Michigan, who asked to remain nameless due to horrifying embarrassment.
“Every cemetery tour and potion brewing course has been sold out for months, and the animatronic witch trial museum thing was full of coughing children and screaming Harry Potter fans. For Satan’s sake, the gift shop didn’t even have one amulet left!”
At press time, a jaded Salem local who fled to Boston for the month of October was seen listing their studio apartment on AirBnB for $600 a night and receiving 10 replies immediately.