• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Top Stories
    • Local
    • National News
    • College
    • Sports
    • Culture
  • About
  • Contact
  • Support Us
  • New! Buy Merch
The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

New England’s Source For Wicked Serious News

Maine Oyster Farmers Struggle To Meet Susan Collins’ Pearl-Clutching Demands

October 6, 2020 by The Boston Accent

What began as a boon for the Maine oyster industry has quickly soured as the demand for pearls that Senator Susan Collins can clutch has far exceeded supply.

“When Senator Collins was attacked for her response to Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court nomination, we knew she’d be calling us for a necklace’s worth of clutching pearls,” said Jim Daniels of the Maine Oyster Farmers Collective. “We had no idea she would be feigning defensive shock nearly every day. She’s bought hundreds of necklaces already.”

Collins’ need for replacement pearls, due to excessive clutching, grasping, and guffawing, has strained an already challenged industry. According to our sources, she has already purchased a metric ton of pearls in preparation of upcoming events, including the new Supreme Court Justice battle. Oyster farmers are unsure they will be able to deliver.

“When the presidential impeachment process happened, I started calling everyone I knew to make sure we were ready. Now with the election and the pandemic, we just can’t keep up.” Daniels elaborated that it was not just Senator Collins, but the entire GOP who has created a boutique industry for robust pearls made exclusively for repeated clutching.

“Lindsey Graham, Mitt Romney, I mean, I’m already working my guys to death,” Daniels stated dejectedly. While Daniels is worried about keeping up, he shared that his industry isn’t the only one stretched to the breaking point. “It could be worse, I know carpenters who specialize in fainting couches who are almost out of materials!”

Share this:

  • Tweet

Related

Filed Under: National News Tagged With: Local, Maine, satire, senate, Susan Collins, the Boston accent

Primary Sidebar

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

The Latest

LEGO Celebrates Moving North American Headquarters To Boston With ‘Big Dig’ Set That Takes 25 Years To Complete

January 24, 2023

Tom Brady Suffers Early Exit From NFL Playoffs, By Far The Worst Thing To Happen To Him In Past Year

January 18, 2023

Boston Area Landlord Admits Most Of $3000 Rent Goes Toward Maintaining Ornate Door Frames

January 12, 2023

Sports

Brad Stevens Reportedly Furious With Ime Udoka Once Somebody Explained To Him What Sex Is

September 22, 2022

College

‘I Go To School In Boston,’ Says Vague BU Student Who Wants Strangers From Hometown To Think They Go To Harvard

January 5, 2023

National

Bostonians Call Out ‘The Last Of Us’ For Unrealistic Lack Of Zombies Wearing Scally Caps

January 26, 2023

Footer

About Us

The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

We publish satire (so don’t sue us) that might make you spit out your Dunkin’ and Boston cream donut all over Harvard Yard.

Want to pitch us? Send 5-10 headlines and a short bio here. New England centric pitches preferred, but open to all (funny) content!

Recent

  • Bostonians Call Out ‘The Last Of Us’ For Unrealistic Lack Of Zombies Wearing Scally Caps January 26, 2023
  • LEGO Celebrates Moving North American Headquarters To Boston With ‘Big Dig’ Set That Takes 25 Years To Complete January 24, 2023
  • Tom Brady Suffers Early Exit From NFL Playoffs, By Far The Worst Thing To Happen To Him In Past Year January 18, 2023
  • Boston Area Landlord Admits Most Of $3000 Rent Goes Toward Maintaining Ornate Door Frames January 12, 2023

Search

Follow Us!

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2023 The Boston Accent · Satire for the Massholes