The Boston Accent

SALEM, MA — The city council of Salem announced on Tuesday they’ve made significant strides in the creation of a coronavirus counter-curse.

“Good afternoon, my pretties,” began Councilwoman Sybil Gust in a live streamed press conference . “We are pleased to share that our COVID-19 counter-curse is only two full moons away from completion.”

The counter-curse project has cost the city of Salem nearly $2 million, 63 newts, and the blood of three local virgins. Residents from around Salem have also pitched in, contributing their own cauldrons, bat wings, and legs of beetle.

“It’s times like now when we need our whole community to come together and chant backwards in Latin,” continued Gust. “Also, if you were planning on summoning the Anti-Christ this weekend, we ask you hold off until we convince him to eternally damn the coronavirus to the fiery pits of Hell, hehehe.”

While the counter-curse has shown significant effectiveness against the virus, it comes with notable side-effects, including loss of soul, kidnapping of your first-born, and dry mouth.

Piece and image by Jack Stebbins. Check out Jack on Instagram .