In a valiant effort to bolster his lackluster healthcare plan, Joe Biden has tapped former opponent Bernie Sanders to go door-to-door with a stethoscope and “give the millions of uninsured Americans a much-needed checkup.”
“My friend Joe has asked me to see to it that every individual in our country has access to quality, affordable healthcare,” said the 78-year-old Vermont Senator, stopping mid-sentence to examine a patient’s heartbeat. “It’s no Medicare-for-all, but I’ll make it work.”
After internal negotiations, the Biden campaign announced they will generously fund the purchase of a “pretty nice” pair of New Balances for Bernie, “who will be doing a lot of walking.”
“Listen Up, Mac: Bernie’s a good man and he’s probably a damn good doctor too,” Biden told CNN, before an aid quickly pulled him off camera, presumably for sedation.
At press time, Sanders was seen checking a stranger’s blood pressure outside the Downtown Crossing MBTA stop. “I thank Joe for the opportunity to travel the nation and provide healthcare to my fellow Americans,” the Senator said, jotting down medical test results on a repurposed Bernie 2020 clipboard. “Cut back on the verkakte salt, lady!”