Sometimes the headlines write themselves. … [Read more...] about Shelf Life Of Mayo Shorter Than Expected
National News
Donald Trump Selects Dave Portnoy As Director Of Responsible Gambling
“Dave is a reasonable guy. So reasonable. And responsible too. His taste in pizza and parlays is the best. He never misses and the great kids who voted for me look up to him. We’re lucky to have him,” said Trump about the decision. Portnoy could not be reached for comment, as he was busy picking a 31-leg parlay to sponsor on DraftKings. … [Read more...] about Donald Trump Selects Dave Portnoy As Director Of Responsible Gambling
Worcester Native Reveals He Gained Pommel Horse Powers After Strange Explosion At Polar Factory
According Worcester’s own viral gymnast Stephen Nedoroscik, his skills on the Pommel Horse started immediately following a “freak accident” at the Polar beverages plant. “I was there for an engineering internship and one day I just saw a huge flash of green and a deafening screech. I woke up in a daze and realized I could do all sorts or crazy spins and stuff. It was … [Read more...] about Worcester Native Reveals He Gained Pommel Horse Powers After Strange Explosion At Polar Factory
Hydrangeas Holding Family Vacation Together By A Goddamn Thread
While on vacation in Wellfleet, the Ferreiras—a mixed politics family—have managed to stay convivial despite recent events exclusively because of the gorgeous hydrangeas. “The colors are just absolutely marvelous this year!” remarked 60-year-old Marie, who never really believed Biden was elected President. “It feels like they bloomed so much more vibrantly … [Read more...] about Hydrangeas Holding Family Vacation Together By A Goddamn Thread
Celtics Haters Across America Devastated By Realization That It Impossible To Dislike Derrick White
“I despise the Celtics with every fiber of my being—have since I was a little boy growing up in Philly,” said a salty Sixers fan named Barrett Jacobs. “I wish more than anything that it was possible to hate Derrick White too since he’s a Celtic. But it’s just… not possible. He’s un-dislikable and I can’t explain why.” Not even top MIT behavioral scientists have been able to … [Read more...] about Celtics Haters Across America Devastated By Realization That It Impossible To Dislike Derrick White