It’s one of the most exciting and nerve-racking times of the year: college acceptance season! If you’re among the many incoming students to one of Western Massachusetts’ renowned institutions of higher education, this handy guide will tell you just how far you’ll have to travel in order to escape the intense boredom endemic to this region.
Frankly, UMass is the most interesting thing in its own vicinity. A veritable city unto itself, it’s really not worth leaving campus. The only time you’ll ever leave is to attend a nearby party or when one of your professors assigns a book that’s somehow exclusive to a locally-owned bookstore. As a bonus, things will get even more interesting if a Boston sports team wins a championship during your four – or five, or seven – years at the Zoo.
Note for students at Amherst College: This entry is for you, too, since you’ll be spending most of your leisure time at UMass trying to get drunk enough to forget that you didn’t get into Harvard.
There’s tons of space to get high and play frisbee right on campus. Anyway, you should be capable of making your own fun, right? Just like you make up your own bullshit majors. Be sure to check out the festivities on April 20th, if you can remember what day it is.
Okay, some of my family went here, so I’ll be nice and give you a tip. There’s a small movie theater right across the street that does monthly midnight showings of Rocky Horror. I’m assuming that’s the kind of thing you’re into. You’re welcome.
There’s usually something going on in downtown Northampton, but good luck affording it as a college student. Plus, anything I could list would probably be out of business by the time this article is live on the site. But hey, when your professors talk about gentrification, you can feel cool knowing that you’re taking part in it!
First of all, I’m either proud of you for paying your own way through school or sorry that your dad’s donation didn’t get you into your actual dream school. Contrary to popular belief, there’s actually some fun things to do in Westfield. Unfortunately, as a native of the city, I’m not about to tell a bunch of obnoxious college students what they are. You’ll just transfer back east by sophomore year, anyway.
Jesus Christ, why didn’t you pick a school in Vermont? Now you’ve got to deal with all the inconveniences that go along with those schools without the added maple-y mystique. I really don’t have much to offer you, here. When Williams students talk about, “going into town,” they mean North freakin’ Adams. MCLA students look down on you as hick tourists. I tried to Google local attractions, and the top result was some place called, “Sheep Hill.” Yeah, sounds like a blast.
I hope this has been a helpful resource for all of the inquisitive young minds that will be joining the Western Mass community next year. I wish you luck in your academic pursuits! If your school didn’t make the list, then I assume it’s so far from anything interesting that you won’t have internet access to read this guide anyway. If you’re going to school in Worcester and don’t see your school listed, that’s because Worcester is Central Mass. That’s the kind of knowledge that they just don’t teach you in school.
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