- Celebrating his retirement with an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s instead of his usual avocado sorbet topped with youth serum sprinkles.
- Redeeming his free first week of jiu jitsu lessons at seven different martial arts facilities in the Tampa Bay area.
- Shadow boxing an Antonio Brown Fathead in a corner with brass knuckles he made out of his 7 Super Bowl rings and duct tape.
- Plucking the unibrow hairs out of his homemade Eli Manning corn husk voodoo doll.
- Reporting the last 12 Patriots Instagram account posts, citing “I just don’t like it” as the reason.
- Changing Bill Belichick’s picture in his contacts to the Grim Reaper and feeling guilty about how satisfying it is.
- Thinking about how, now that he’s retired, it might be time to finally settle down and start a family.
- Seeing the score in the Super Bowl is only 10-7 at halftime and unretiring again.
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