• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Top Stories
    • Local
    • National News
    • College
    • Sports
    • Culture
  • About
  • Contact
  • Support Us
  • New! Buy Merch
The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

New England’s Source For Wicked Serious News

Forecasters Warn We’re Probably Due For Another Ben Affleck Movie Any Day Now

April 30, 2022 by audreyvclark


NORTON, MA – Forecasters from the National Cinema Service have warned that we could be due for another Ben Affleck movie any day now. Residents are advised to take precautions to ensure the safety of their homes and streaming services.

“The country has experienced multiple major Ben Affleck movies across the past twenty years,” said NCS scientist Dr. Vikesh Sharma, “Most of them have just featured him as an actor, but every four years or so, he decides to direct one, and the impact can be devastating.”

Movies directed by Ben Affleck have struck in 2007, 2010, 2012 and 2016. The most significant of them, 2012’s Argo, caused over $232 million in box office sales across affected areas, as well as significant cultural damage.

The most recent Ben Affleck-directed movie, Live By Night, thankfully had very little impact, and passed briefly through theatres before dissipating entirely. However, experts warn that this could mean the next Ben Affleck movie will be truly cataclysmic.

“The impact of Ben Affleck movies shouldn’t be understated,” Dr. Sharma warned, “It may seem minor at first – talk show hosts start doing funny Boston accents sometimes, tabloids print more stories about Jennifer Garner. But soon it can progress to a critical level – your mom starts talking about what a looker he is.”

Dr Sharma brushed off suggestions that Hollywood’s appetite for Affleck might have been satiated by the recent Ben-lead erotic thriller, Deep Water.

“Nobody saw that shit,” he said.

Share this:

  • Tweet

Related

Filed Under: National News Tagged With: Ben affleck, Local, movies, the Boston accent

Primary Sidebar

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

The Latest

Bostonians Call Out ‘The Last Of Us’ For Unrealistic Lack Of Zombies Wearing Scally Caps

January 26, 2023

LEGO Celebrates Moving North American Headquarters To Boston With ‘Big Dig’ Set That Takes 25 Years To Complete

January 24, 2023

Tom Brady Suffers Early Exit From NFL Playoffs, By Far The Worst Thing To Happen To Him In Past Year

January 18, 2023

Sports

Brad Stevens Reportedly Furious With Ime Udoka Once Somebody Explained To Him What Sex Is

September 22, 2022

College

‘I Go To School In Boston,’ Says Vague BU Student Who Wants Strangers From Hometown To Think They Go To Harvard

January 5, 2023

National

Family Starts GoFundMe For Frostbite Treatment After Boston Man Heroically Carried A Large Iced Extra Extra Home For His Ma During Arctic Freeze

February 4, 2023

Footer

About Us

The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

We publish satire (so don’t sue us) that might make you spit out your Dunkin’ and Boston cream donut all over Harvard Yard.

Want to pitch us? Send 5-10 headlines and a short bio here. New England centric pitches preferred, but open to all (funny) content!

Recent

  • Family Starts GoFundMe For Frostbite Treatment After Boston Man Heroically Carried A Large Iced Extra Extra Home For His Ma During Arctic Freeze February 4, 2023
  • Bostonians Call Out ‘The Last Of Us’ For Unrealistic Lack Of Zombies Wearing Scally Caps January 26, 2023
  • LEGO Celebrates Moving North American Headquarters To Boston With ‘Big Dig’ Set That Takes 25 Years To Complete January 24, 2023
  • Tom Brady Suffers Early Exit From NFL Playoffs, By Far The Worst Thing To Happen To Him In Past Year January 18, 2023

Search

Follow Us!

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2023 The Boston Accent · Satire for the Massholes