• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Top Stories
    • Local
    • National News
    • College
    • Sports
    • Culture
  • About
  • Contact
  • Support Us
  • New! Buy Merch
The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

Wicked Serious Satire

Mass. Residents Push State Reps To Ban Patriots Losses On Same Weekend As Snow Storm

January 9, 2022 by Andrew Haskell

FOXBORO, MA — Fed up residents across Massachusetts are hoping a tough weekend for both weather and the Patriots will help spark change in the Bay State. The “Snowbody Wins” bill, bill proposed Sunday night, could ban Patriots losses on the same weekend there’s a snowstorm. 

We spoke to William Fitzgerald of Taunton, who told our reporters he supports the bill. “I’ve lived here my whole life so I don’t mind having to shovel my driveway on occasion. But I shouldn’t have to then go watch Jalen Mills play worse than my niece at her YMCA flag football game. If it snows 6 inches or more, the Pats have to score.”

The potential law also appears to have bipartisan support. One lifelong libertarian from Newton added his backing.  “I disagree with any government oversight with every fiber of my being.  However, if I’m pulling out my snowblower, then I better see at least two touchdowns from Mac Jones and get that free Dunkin coffee on Monday. This bill is about human decency, bottom line.”

At press time, proponents for the Snowbody Wins bill were busy brainstorming how to make the legal case that a Pats loss after snowstorms meets the criteria of cruel and unusual punishment.

Share this:

  • Tweet

Related

Filed Under: Local, Sports Tagged With: boston, loss, patriots, snow

Primary Sidebar

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

The Latest

Mass. Considers Changing State Name To Boston, Since Everyone Says They’re From There Anyways

July 22, 2020

A Touching Father’s Day: New England Dad Tells Son He’s Less Of A Disappointment Than Celtics Losing Finals

June 19, 2022

Worcester Crowned The ‘Is Pepsi Okay?’ City Of Massachusetts

June 16, 2022

We Asked Brookline Residents If They’re Excited To Host The US Open And They Told Us To Get Off Their Grass

June 15, 2022

Sports

If Klay Thompson Actually Cared About Offending Kids, He Wouldn’t Have Appeared In The New ‘Space Jam’

June 9, 2022

College

Brave Harvard Student Steps Out In Public Not Wearing Single Item Of Harvard Branded Clothing

April 5, 2022

National

Susan Collins: ‘I’m Just As Shocked As You Are!’

June 24, 2022

Footer

About Us

The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

We publish satire (so don’t sue us) that might make you spit out your Dunkin’ and Boston cream donut all over Harvard Yard.

Want to pitch us? Send 5-10 headlines and a short bio here.

Recent

  • Susan Collins: ‘I’m Just As Shocked As You Are!’ June 24, 2022
  • A Touching Father’s Day: New England Dad Tells Son He’s Less Of A Disappointment Than Celtics Losing Finals June 19, 2022
  • Worcester Crowned The ‘Is Pepsi Okay?’ City Of Massachusetts June 16, 2022
  • We Asked Brookline Residents If They’re Excited To Host The US Open And They Told Us To Get Off Their Grass June 15, 2022

Search

Follow Us!

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2022 The Boston Accent · Satire for the Massholes