BOSTON—Slowly pumping his fist behind the podium, Governor Charlie Baker announced that Boston’s virtually nonexistent nightlife could finally reopen this weekend.
“Over the past year, the late-night social scene of our capital city has been stunted by the pandemic. I’m excited to usher in a return to normalcy by opening all clubs and bars back to their former glory of a handful of totally trashed patrons.”
“While the city will continue to ban happy hours and last call will remain at 1:30am, we are confident the party scene will soon reach the dull roar it once was.”
At press time, every person going out tonight was prebooking an Uber because there are almost no drivers now and the MBTA doesn’t run past midnight.