• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Top Stories
    • Local
    • National News
    • College
    • Sports
    • Culture
  • About
  • Contact
  • Support Us
  • New! Buy Merch
The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

Wicked Serious Satire

Gordon Hayward Abandons Any Shot At Future Championship For Chance To Live In A Red State

November 23, 2020 by Ben Loftus

This week, Gordon Hayward committed to a massive four-year, $120 million contract with the Charlotte Hornets, tossing away any hope of a ring in the foreseeable future. Still, the humongous payout is second in importance to Gordon, who says he’s just happy to fulfill his dream of moving back to Trump’s America.

“Boston was nice I guess, but I really won’t miss it,” admitted Hayward, who told our reporters he honestly can’t wait to raise his growing family in God’s Country. “There were too many high end coffee shops and places that sell vegan food. I’m excited to wear my cowboy boots without people calling me names on the street.”

The Celtics roster seems to have taken the tough announcement in stride, with star Jayson Tatum remarking, “Oh wow, he was still here?” Marcus Smart said he wished Hayward the best of luck, but added he won’t miss having to listen to Ben Shapiro’s podcast in the locker room.

General Manager Danny Ainge could not be reached for comment, as he has locked himself and the team’s three draft picks in his office and is making them play icebreaker games all week.

At press time, Hayward was seen browsing the internet for souped-up Ford pickup trucks and recipes for crockpot Carolina BBQ.

Share this:

  • Tweet

Related

Filed Under: National News, Sports Tagged With: boston, satire, the boston accent celtics

Primary Sidebar

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter

The Latest

Rich Friend With Good Health Insurance Insists You Spend $200 To Throw Yourselves Down A Mountain Together

January 19, 2021

Opinion: If Bugs Bunny Is From Brooklyn, Then We Demand A Looney Tune From Everett

January 17, 2021

Great Molasses Flood Of 1919 Finally Reaches Downtown Boston

January 16, 2021

Sports

30-Year-Old Man Jogging In Marginally Cold Weather Pretty Sure He Could Hack It In SEAL Training

December 27, 2020

College

‘I Got Into Dartmouth!’ Exclaims New Hampshire Man Who Just Broke Into School’s Library

December 30, 2020

National

Bernie Sanders Entirely Unaware Of Meme Status Because His Jitterbug Flip Phone Has No Internet In Vermont

January 21, 2021

Footer

About Us

The Boston Accent is New England’s best source of wicked serious news.

We publish satire (so don’t sue us) that might make you spit out your Dunkin’ and Boston cream donut all over Harvard Yard.

Want to pitch us? Send 5-10 headlines and a short bio here.

Recent

  • Bernie Sanders Entirely Unaware Of Meme Status Because His Jitterbug Flip Phone Has No Internet In Vermont January 21, 2021
  • Rich Friend With Good Health Insurance Insists You Spend $200 To Throw Yourselves Down A Mountain Together January 19, 2021
  • Opinion: If Bugs Bunny Is From Brooklyn, Then We Demand A Looney Tune From Everett January 17, 2021
  • Great Molasses Flood Of 1919 Finally Reaches Downtown Boston January 16, 2021

Search

Follow Us!

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2021 The Boston Accent ยท Satire for the Massholes