Somerville, Mass. — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has bravely declared that anyone caught exercising their constitutional rights is now an enemy of the United States.
On Tuesday, March 26th, Rumeysa Ozturk, a Turkish doctoral student at Tufts University, was abducted by plainclothes U.S. Department of Homeland Security officers for engaging “in activities in support of Hamas,” a reference to her writing an Op-Ed article for the Tufts Daily requesting her school acknowledge the Palestinian genocide.
“We do not recognize genocides here in the United States. Plus, she’s going to be a doctor? You know what country is full of doctors? China,” Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem said of the recent abduction. “Doctors are destroying our country. They’re sick, scientific people.”
Ozturk had just left her home in Somerville on Tuesday night when she was stopped by six apparently COVID-conscious masked agents, taking away her phone and handcuffing her to prevent her from immediately starting a Substack account.
Vice President JD Vance denied any involvement in the abduction.
“We actually had nothing to do with this so-called kidnapping. If anything, wokeness kidnapped her mind,” said Vance, who was not included in the Homeland Security Signal group chat where the abduction was planned. “In America you can say whatever you want, unfortunately, which is why The Atlantic was able to get away with those nasty unfounded rumors about our upcoming wars in Yemen and Palestine. God do I hate spoilers.” When corrected that The Atlantic article did not mention Palestine, the vice president changed the subject to last night’s episode of Temptation Island.
Officials confirmed that Ozturk was being detained in Louisiana.
“I guess they didn’t want her to miss Mardi Gras,” Vance said about the festival that had ended a month before the mentioned incident. “Anyway, isn’t it sweet how Shante forgave Brion in the end?”
Kseniia Petrova, a bioinformatician at the Kirschner Lab at Harvard Medical School, was also recently detained to protect Americans from her verbal opposition to Russia’s war in Ukraine.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio mentioned that he’s revoked the visas of over 300 foreign students, warning that if you come to the U.S. to “create a ruckus and write op-ed pieces,” you’ll get the boot. “We do it every day,” Rubio continued. “Every time I watch a TikTok I disagree with, I see if there’s any way I can put them on a boat somewhere or SWAT them while they stream on Twitch.”
Elon Musk, the head of the U.S. Department of Government Efficiency known for legalizing comedy, reportedly has his team working around the clock erasing all tweets, or Xs, or whatever he’s calling them now, which mention Ozturk, or how Cybertrucks are for people who chew with their mouths open, or anyone saying that the photo of him in the Tesla with the president looks like that scene in the Sopranos where Vito was caught fellating at that construction site.
“Let me remind you that this is a democracy, not a dictatorial regime, yet, so of course we will have to detain anyone who doesn’t ooze support for us and our allies,” added Vance, standing in front of a Shepard Fairey “Obey” poster while clearly not understanding its origins. “This is America after all, the land of the free.”
UPDATE: We’ve been informed that the author of this article has just been detained and awarded a vacation to a surprise destination. How fun!
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