WARWICK, R.I. — Anthropologists from Brown University were baffled during a recent survey of Rhode Island populations after finding that the Warwick dialect had drifted so far from English that they would need translators in order to communicate with local residents.
“We haven’t been able to visit these communities since before the pandemic,” said Dr. Natalie Krueger, who is considered the nation’s leading authority on Rhode Island communities. “It’s never been easy, but we used to be able to understand them with enough patience. I’m not sure what happened to them during lockdown, but it’s far more significant than even the Great Vowel Shift of 1400.”
A resident of Warwick, whose Honeydew Donuts nametag identified as “Tom,” attempted to respond to questions about the researchers.
“Whawt tha fawk du-ai knowuh bowt whawt those soyenists ah duin?” said Tom, who had just concluded a loud interaction with an Apple Cinemas employee. “Fawk et, ahm go-win to prawcluhmayshin en getin waysted.”
At press time, linguistic experts had yet been unable to translate Tom’s statement.