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The Boston Accent

The Boston Accent

Wicked Serious Satire

Man Preps For Reopening Of Bars By Lighting $100 On Fire, Spilling Half His Drinks On Floor

July 23, 2020 by The Boston Accent

“I’m so pumped that nightlife might be opening up soon—I really miss bar-hopping in Kendall Square,” said 28-year-old Jeff Torres, who typically spent his evenings out jostling through packed dance floors to buy $15 gin and tonics. “Drinking at home is so boring and efficient.”

Torres says he’s also been practicing calling Ubers after blacking out, formerly a regular occurrence for him. “I’m gonna be so freaking ready whenever things start up again.”

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